Trump’s Cognitive Test

Donald J. Trump’s catastrophic debate performance has sparked widespread concern about his mental decline.

As a public service, TBR is offering the following cognitive exam to assess Trump’s acuity. For the sake of the nation and the world, we urge him to take it.

I am most afraid of

a) Sharks

b) Boats

c) E. Jean Carroll

The number of people who attended my Inauguration was

a) 1.5 million

b) 15 million

c) 8.1 billion

I have never read

a) Project 2025

b) The U.S. Constitution

c) The Art of the Deal

Kamala Harris is

a) Black

b) Indian

c) Generated by AI

I almost crashed in a helicopter with

a) Willie Brown

b) Jerry Brown

c) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

Another word for “crazy person” is

a) Loon

b) Loser

c) Loomer

The Democrats want to take away our

a) Cars

b) Bacon

c) Ketchup

COVID can be cured with

a) Horse dewormer

b) Bleach

c) Ketchup

The next Supreme Court justice I nominate will be

a) Sean Hannity

b) Hulk Hogan

c) The late, great Hannibal Lecter

The eating thing that’s most likely to happen is

a) Haitian migrants eating cats

b) Haitian migrants eating dogs

c) Putin eating me for lunch

The person most to blame for January 6 is

a) Nancy Pelosi

b) Nikki Haley

c) Nancy Pelosi and Nikki Haley are the same person

I have never paid

a) Building contractors

b) Taxes

c) Rudy Giuliani

I have never met

a) The Proud Boys

b) The Backstreet Boys      

c) Tiffany Trump

I have never had sex with

a) Stormy Daniels

b) Karen McDougal

c) Steve Bannon

My wife’s name is

a) Melanie

b) Mercedes

c) Malala

d) Malomar

e) Melanin

f) Macrame

g) Milli Vanilli

h) Mojito

i) Mimosa

j) Marsupial

k) E. Jean Carrolll

The Borowitz Report by Andy Borowtitz